A theme park should have a theme, right? As far as I could tell, the theme of Universal Epic Universe, the most recently opened park in central Florida, is We Own These Valuable Intellectual Properties. Namely, such globally successful entertainment franchises as Harry Potter and Mario Bros. and How to Tame Your Dragon. I mean, How to Train Your Dragon. Shows you what I know about these properties, which is a lot less than many people.

For instance, Ann had to school me in who Bowser was, which she was happy to do as we waited in line for the first ride of the day at Universal Epic Universe, in the area of the park devoted the world’s most famous cartoon building supers. Even I know Mario and Luigi. I was around to see their arcade games appear in the early ’80s. I’d heard of Princess Peach. Word of damsels and their distress tends to get out.

Bowser is the main antagonist of franchise, turns out. The line snaked through his castle or lair or the Bowser secret scheming room, since he seems like a fellow that schemes a lot. But I will say this: Universal went to a lot of trouble to give you something to look at as you waited for the ride, including in this case giant faux library books with such titles as Why Good Things Happen to Bad People, The Second Place Banana and Other Horror Stories, and Sibling Rivalries and How to Exploit Them, and many more, all in-universe jokes, some of which were amusing even if you didn’t know the back story. A committee of Mario Bros. experts must have spent months on dreaming up the titles, marveling every day that they were paid to do so.

The overflow of things to see while you wait repeats itself in the other major rides: the Gothic detail that evoked the monochromic worlds of the early Universal horror pictures, and the positively palatial hall ahead — a long time ahead — of the Harry Potter-adjacent wizard swooshing ride.

We’d arrived fairly early on the morning of December 9 for our day at Universal.

The weather was ideal for the visit. The crowds were less than ideal, but not bad. I can’t imagine the hordes at the park, say, today – one of the days between Christmas and New Year’s, when many more people are off, and kids aren’t in school.

We opted not to do the line-skipping scheme, after I determined that adding it to the ticket prices for three people would involve roughly the same amount of money as the accommodation budget for the entire trip. Universal, which is to say Comcast, was already getting enough of my money.

But I carp. Regular tickets by themselves aren’t cheap, but the quality of the attractions is very high, even if you aren’t particularly interested in the franchises. Mario-world is pretty interesting, even before you do the ride, which offered sensory-overload that involved a blur of simulated kart racing. I can’t actually remember much more than that after more than two weeks, but there was a lot of light and motion and grabbing of that wheel.

The plaza outside the ride. Like stepping into the game, yes? A big hit, anyway.

Who knows? These very buildings might be the inspiration of a wildly popular architectural style in the 22nd century.

When we got to ride entrance, there was a posted 60-minute wait. Ann insisted we go right then. When we exited, we noticed that the wait time had more than doubled. Good call, Ann.

Our second ride involved a faux Transylvanian castle and the various monsters from Universal’s 1930s and ‘40s monster heyday. The style, amusement park Gothic. From the towering castle of Frankenstein renown to the details in faux stone and faux headstones.

Faux it may be, but that’s no cheap structure. Add to that the ride at the heart of the building, and you’ve got some impressive entertainment engineering.

We came back after dark for the roller coaster in the Frankenstein part of the park. Ann wanted to go back for the roller coaster, that is, a separate ride from the one in the Gothic castle. While Y and I waited on a nearby bench we saw, by chance, the burning windmill. Nice touch. It didn’t collapse, naturally, and would re-ignite every 15 minutes or so.

The Frankenstein ride wasn’t quite as intense, in lights or motion, as Mario Bros., but was it was about as loud, with a character purporting to be Victor Frankenstein’s great-granddaughter directing the monster to fight Count Dracula — or was it the Werewolf? The Creature from the Black Lagoon also made an cameo appearance, but the details of the ride are a little fuzzy. Entertaining hubbub, that’s what it was.

The line for the Harry Potter-ish ride was the longest. Around an old-fashioned amusement park waiting pen, down a long hall, though “portholes” foggy with dry ice emissions, into a vast hall, around a cluster of gigantic gilded statues, under several floors worth of faux offices, near another gigantic gilded statue (below) into another hall, and there you were. Ready to go up some stairs, along another couple of hallways, and down some more straits. You did have things to read along the way, such as Wanted Posters for villainous wielders of the Dark Arts.

The ride was also ensconced in a faux Paris, in a building that was supposed to be the French magic ministry in the early 20th century (it is a prequel), down to a warren of small offices with lamps and typewriters of the period.

Why Paris? Even Ann wasn’t quite sure, but thought it had something to do with one of the prequels, which has something to do with the French Ministry of Magic or the like. Say, does the minister report to the President of the Third Republic? Or is he not part of representative government? Regardless, I was impressed by faux Paris – the most Parisian place I’ve seen except for the actual city of Paris.

The entrance, which led to —

— to a truly monumental arch, front and back.

Leading to faux Paris streets in their faux glory. I keep using that word, but it doesn’t mean I wasn’t impressed.

Details, details.

The 110-acre Universal Epic Universe, a name that doesn’t quite click, seems to have been designed to be compact enough to do in a day. There is a hub, there are spokes, the aforementioned themed areas, which included their main rides, but also other rides and plenty of shops and eateries. Yet none of the areas was overly large, and all of them were marked by a distinctive tower for each that could be seen from a distance. Nice bit of waymarking.

We had lunch at one of the faux-Paris restaurants. At a Olde World Europe-themed restaurant at which you ordered food via an app. The food was good, but that business with the app, which we had to figure out on the fly, didn’t please me at all. I can only hope that isn’t the future of food service.

Once we got to the Harry Potter ride — remember, it is located in Paris, for reasons, and Harry himself seemed to be only a minor presence — the long line was instantly forgotten in the shaking and lurching and whizzing. Characters etched of light came and went, following a script set down in computer code. It reminded me of a roller coaster, even though most of the sensation of motion was done via special effects, especially active lighting. Supposedly we were sitting in a jury box – one of the characters was on trial for something or other. I used to like roller coasters, but age has taken that pleasure from me.

This couple was speaking French.

Wonder what they thought of Universal Paris.